How to Retire at 40 – A Channel 4 fluff mentary where a basic premise that really isn’t hard to understand is replaced by potatoes.
Pointless for the Ig to even begin describe this vacuous attempt at getting Financial independence mentioned on prime time TV.
Idiocracy is only round the corner.
and yet, it could have been so much better … with the message delivered much quicker and in a way more effective manner.
2 optimistic 20’s; let’s call em Bill and Nigel,shown coming bouncing of a college. Still have the carefreeness of youth- optimistic music playing .
Cut to both the above shown starting their first day of work and then receiving their first pay packet.
FIRE graph fills the screen. A Line for each, both showing their retirement age at 70 – a tombstone at 78 for added scariness. Sombre music now.
Bill shown buying some books about investing, cooking and DIY and bike maintenance and treating himself to a good quality but 2nd hand bike.
Nigel shown putting down a deposit on a BMW and going out to restaurants. Likes to splash the cash I reckon.
FIRE graph fills the screen. Two lines one now showing 60 the other 75. Sombre music returns.
Bill shown buying a sensible sized house in the North/Scotland, still needing a bit of work mind, but then shown doing said work – DIY book obviously paid off.
Nigel – already looking a bit older and chubbier – moves to London and shown handing over wads of cash to live in Dickensian squalor.
Bill shown moving 50% of his wages into saving/investment account. Picture of savings growing. Maybe a speeded up tree.
Nigel shown applying for a loan and a bigger mortgage and more pictures of him a buying, a spending and a consuming.
Nice clothes, but camera zooms in on XL tag. Used to be a M as well.
ADVERT TIME – Buy our Shite, nice shiny shite, buy shite now, prole scum. There’s irony here somewhere.
and now back to the programme:
Bill shown cycling to work and working out and looking good.
Nigel shown stuck in jams in his new admittingly flash Audi, but looks tired, really tired. He’s giving off an aura of downtroddeness and looking even fatter if truth be told, maybe it’s those nice tinted windows in his flash audi ? Not flattering in photo terms. Or in running costs.
FIRE graph now shown with respective FIRE times of 50 and up to 80 now. Sombre music gets sombre-er.
Proper moody church organ on a doom setting of 10.
Cut to Summer Holiday by Cliff as sombre music was getting on everyone’s tits, and look there’s Nigel again, he’s lying fast asleep- looks somewhat exhausted it must be said – in an expensive fancy resort, he’s really put on the beef hasn’t he, and I’m not talking about loading the barby either mate.
Bill though – how dare he look that good at 35 ? He should lying comatose and getting burnt, not climbing mountains and exploring and acting like a child.This vitality and lust for life at post 30, it’s just not natural is it ? I shall write a letter to the Telegraph at once complaining about it.
Anyway, actually doing stuff on holidays and maybe camping and not staying in fancy hotels with swimming pools where you can sleep all day by, and calorie laden troughs that you can stuff your boat with, time after time after calorific time, that’s not a holiday is it ?
Holiday is about recovery from working for the man. Nigel can tell you all about that. Well if could, but he’s out for the count.
Been working hard has Nigel.
Bill buys a car – 2nd hand mind, and lets be honest lads – he ain’t going to convince himself in a pre-mid-life crisis way that he can pull in that..
Doesn’t need to mind. Happy family shown in the back. Cost of similar respective journeys’ of him and Nigel’s latest Audi/BMW shown side by side. Nae cheap these wanker wagons are they?
FIRE graph returns again . Bill is – and just how is this possible – now at 45. No change for Nigel, but look …
He’s just had a windfall! However that fancy new exec house in the suburbs was just too tempting.
He’s also handing some of that money over to a IFA – looks a bit shifty to me mate, I watch him if I was you. Seems to be putting a lot in his back pocket for some reason ?
Graph for Nigel was going down but now wavers, and returns to staying at 80. Nice decking on the house though that those guys are fitting for you, bit pricey mind, but what else is overtime for?
All goes calm, a clock is shown ticking and calendar pages indicate 5 years have passed.
FIREgraph appears on the screen – it’s big and it’s red and it’s Bill’s and it looks suspiciously like it’s at the 40 mark.
Pictures of arcane runic symbols appear for some reason, along with Einstein and pots of money appearing, and y’know – was it really a good idea to get the work experience lad to design this bit ?
Boy needs to learn bit of subtlety, too late though as ….
an absolute MASSIVE FUCK OFF EXPLOSION goes off, laced with additional Klaxons screaming like an Alien invasion force using the Prodigy as their ode to War.
Bill has, somehow; through the combined craziness of compound interest, bit of frugality and generally not being a material obsessed tosser, made himself be able to retire at 40 by being Financially Independent.
But wait ! What’s that ?
All goes dark, music goes a bit ominous. It’s THE MAN.
He appears screen right; an evil looking **** no question about it, and he’s gesticulating wildly at Bill – he ain’t happy that’s for sure.
Looks like he wants a pound of flesh, or at least another 30 years of miserable servitude.
He’s only gone and nutted the killer of dreams hasn’t he ? In a proper Biffa Bacon stylee.
Shrugging nonchalantly, he walks off in the manner of a departing Clint Eastwood, into the sunset with a Morricone style outro playing.
Triumphant music stops and cuts to:
Nigel’s hunched over gait struggling up the stairs to work, as the rain continues to fall on a miserable Monday morning.
He’s not looking well, not well at all.
- END CREDITS